Marriage: a societal obligation?
Recently, I was reading a recent edition of Awake! by the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s the one about moral decadence and stuff. It brought something to my mind; what had been bugging me for a while now. It was actually the topic of discussion among my friends and I some weeks ago. I remember once on a local TV, Inside Out with Agatha Amata, it was discussed openly with guests. I don’t remember exactly who said what but there were arguments in support of the action, but in the favour of men. It’s extra-marital affairs. I can’t say if this occurs where you are but there are reports that these are on the steady rise around the world.
I understand when people say marriage requires maturity. I completely agree. I only have an issue with maturity itself. What does it mean to be mature? I would easily agree if it’s said to be a process given the changes in human life. But does the maturity for marriage entail the shameless betrayal of vows and the uncanny demand for allegiance and faithfulness of spouses. I believe what is good for the goose is good for the gander, and most would agree too. So, I ask myself why this is so bloody rampant these days.
I must admit here that I have played my dirty part in this shame. I can’t exonerate myself from it; I’d be telling a big lie. In any case, I didn’t originate any of my involvements. It only happened that there were needs that I helped fulfill, of which I still feel guilty by association and I am sorry. To me, the real issue is, why start something you can’t keep with? Why get married if one can’t stay in it. It’s so stale to find married men with single women in sexual compromise. Since there’s no crime in being single, or having children outside marriage why then get married and ’sleep out’? Some men even abandon their families for their ‘girlfriends’. I don’t how good that feels when compared to the woman leaving for a much younger man: may be her own son’s age. Some other men believe that once they provide for the home and service their wives, then there’s no need to complain. Can the woman trade places with the man, or service her husband and carry on to other men since she has performed her duty as a wife? Ask any man this.
I believe that marriage has become a societal obligation because it’s the society that really bothers younger ones to get married. Yet, the same society openly condones the moral decadence within it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not calling for a perfect society but what is the point in pressuring people to get married if there’s no encouragement to uphold it. Parents advise their children to get married without having left (m)any good reasons and examples to foster a good union. The funniest part of this is that the men who cheat on their wives, especially with far younger women, insist on the fidelity of wives to them and can readily shoot any man who goes near their daughters. I have this friend who ‘celebrated’ his last day as a bachelor with a woman other than his proposed wife and started sleeping out the same week of his wedding!
To most women, “men are dogs” and men just simply agree in character. But then, these “dogs” are not homosexuals. Women help make them what they are so, who’s fooling who? Worse off, this has fed the mentality of most women I know. To them, a faithful man is a perfect pretender. Do men also look out for a homely “bitch” to take care of the home and kids? I wonder.
June 18, 2007 at 1:51 am
1. Is a society that insists on one man, one wife more desirable than one that OKs polygamy?
2. Is it more honorable for a man to formally marry a second wife than to cheat on his only wife?
3. Did nature intend for men to be polygamous? Is what is good for the goose good for the gander? Is female infidelity on par with male infidelity?
June 26, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Oga Charles, as usual, I really enjoy your arguments. To the questions you posed.
As regards the first question, judging by public opinion, especially those of the womenfolk, a monogamous society is more desirable than a polygamous one. This may be owing to elements of possessiveness and being territorial, but men are equally so. If you pose an argument that this isn’t or shouldn’t be, picture an equal power situation where men and women alike lived out polygamy; complete chaos.
For the second question, this is completely dependent on the situation and the people involved. For some men, it would be taboo to have their wives find out that they have feelings for another woman, let alone an affair, or marriage. But I am sure the issue here is not necessarily the second wife. It’s more like having multiple sexual and extramarital affairs, which raises the question, “Is it at all honourable to keep such affairs?” or as you may suggest, “marry them?”
Now, this third point is where really itches my skin the most: “Did nature intend for men to be polygamous? Is what is good for the goose good for the gander? Is female infidelity on par with male infidelity?” My response to the first part is that of uncertainty because I truly do not know but speaking as a Christian, I would say “NO.” With my little knowledge of Islam, for Muslims who legitimately marry more than one, except in the US and UK, they are required to love each wife equally, which you and I know is closer to impossible than not.
Agreeably, what is good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander but mutual respect is expected to operate here for the avoidance of marital slavery, or collapse, then chaos. Then for the comparison of sexual infidelity, here in Nigeria and everywhere I have been, and read about, male infidelity is infinitely higher than female infidelity.
August 30, 2007 at 12:08 pm
To attempt to answer my own questions:
(I know some of my arguments might be politically incorrect, but I take the risk anyway).
1. The issue of the relative desirability of monogamy versus polygamy, I think, is one that is related to any given society’s values. It would appear that most of the world’s societies today lean towards monogamy. This might be rooted in the influence of religions (particularly Christianity), and economic realities. Again, this is an issue that related (mostly) to any given society’s value judgments….
2. Since our contemporary society espouses a one man, one wife marriage construct, we can all agree that the best-case scenario is for the man and his wife to live a life in total and absolute commitment to each other, literally “till death do them part.” We can all agree though that the reality is that more often than not, the man and the wife do not meet this standard (the state-of-affairs which I infer prompted your write-up in the first place). Compare these two societies: “olden days” Nigeria in which a man would openly and formally marry a second (or third) wife, and (attempt to) “love all equally” versus “modern day” America/UK (even Nigeria) where a man marries one wife and carries on a sexual affair with women outside. Who’s kidding who? While both scenarios are less desirable than the perfect one man, one wife construct, which is more offensive?
3. At the risk of coming across as sexist or chauvinist, it would almost appear that nature pushes the male human species towards polygamy, than not. The instinctive male imperative (and this is true with most animal species) is inarguable: euphemistically, to sow his wild oats as widely as possible. As previously agreed, the modern human male’s imperative is curtailed by the (effeminized) society’s dictate of one man, one wife… and also, importantly, be economic realities. On the issue of the parity of male and female infidelity, let me pose a question: on the pain of having a bullet put through your head, would you rather your father sleep with another woman or your mother sleep with another man?
August 31, 2007 at 4:24 pm
You should hear me clapping for you right now; you finished your arguments very well.
True, I would always prefer that my father ’sleeps out’ to my mother. This is because it’s more easily bearable than the thought of any many with my mom…let me just end it here.
But know this about me, even in the midst of the burning temptation to stray from my partner, I endeavour to hang on. I believe in the end that this will better my relationship.
this is not to attribute any perfection to myself: it’s just my small sacrifice, amongst many others, for the one I love.